First, I am going to start this off with a poem.
"After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul;
and you learn that love doesn't always mean
learning and company doesn't always mean security.
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept defeats
with the grace of an adult
and not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build
all your roads on today because
tomorrows ground is too uncertain
and plans have a way of falling
down in midflight.
after awhile you learn that even
sunshine burns if you ask for
too much.
so plant your on soil
instead of waiting for someone to
bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really
can endure;
that you really are strong
that you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn."
-Adam Ricker, Goodbyes.
I have always found truth in this poem, it has always floated in and out of my life; my mom printed it off after the divorce and it was up on my fridge at the old house for the next 12 years.. kinda like a mantra to keep the both of us going. Goodbyes can be hard, or unexpected, or seen from a mile away and denial has just blinded us until BAM it happens and forces us to deal with it. These types of goodbyes have been sneaking up on me for awhile now, and I have been trying to push them from my mind.
Recently, I said goodbye to my mom's horse - whom taught me how to ride through patience and tough love. My mom felt that it was best if "we" found her a new home because she didn't have the time to ride her. All bitterness aside she couldnt've gone to a better place and we still keep in touch. I pushed this event out of my head for as long as I could, as I was sad and annoyed that after 16 years we were just giving her up. But as this one passed me by, another one is sneaking up. My dog. He is now 12 - his breed's life expectancy is 8 years at best so he's doing well on that note, but I don't think that he will live to see the winter. His hearing radius is down to 3 feet, and sight is probly round there too, and his back end doesn't keep up with the front anymore. It's horrible to say that its cute and funny when he gets going then just biffs it in all his excitement to see me, but alas... my mind is warped.
Another goodbye is the physical and emotional removal of myself. I am leaving for Europe soon, and though I have not left yet, I feel like I am already gone, or a lost entity in my friends lives. I will physically be across the world from them and will have little contact apart from email [as I am attached to my phone and don't want the huge bill from taking it with me] But, who is to say what will happen when I return? After a few months will all be the same, or will they have continued on with their lives and the place that I once was has been filled with other miscellaneous trinkets and dust?
But.. with every goodbye you learn... you learn that what doesn't break you will make you a stronger, more independant person who can look the world in the eye and say "fuck you" instead of running away screaming. And you learn that the people in your life who truly care will always come back out of the woodwork when you have crashed and burned.
You learn and you learn....
