Advice

A lot of people seem to seek advice from me when it comes to relationships - what to do, how to get guys to like you, what not to do... and I seem to do a pretty good job of giving said advice.  I always tell people be true to yourself, make yourself happy first and foremost, and from that others around you will be happy too. And, if you do find yourself feeling odd and lonely after the breakup, keep in mind that there is a big difference between being alone, and being lonely.  I've been told that I seem much wiser than my mere 22 years because of this.
 What I find difficult is taking my own advice, even if its exactly the same situation or scenario. I can tell other people what they could do, but shy away from it in my own life;  I put others happiness if front of my own, and think no, that'll hurt their feelings.. I won't bring anything up...
I find because of this, I feel guilty.  If I'm out with other friends - not my significant other - and have a good time, on the way home I feel guilty that I enjoyed myself, that I was happy. Then I get to thinking that no, that's no right, I should be happy regardless of what I'm doing of whom I'm with.. but I'm too nice to do anything about it.  I can feel completely miserable but I'll tough it out for their sake....but if it were a friend complaining about the same thing I'd tell them to just fuck it and do whats right for them, even it if meant ending the relationship.  It's easy enough to say its not your guilt to have, they are not your responsibility, but doing it in first person sucks.
I know what I have to do, but I'm held back by the claws of guilt that I will hurt them.. when all I'm really doing is hurting myself as they sink in deeper and deeper.  I'm not myself anymore. I don't like it.

Well, I WAS painting...

...but this thought has deemed itself more important at this point in time.

As a child who witnessed a divorce and uglier years that preceeded that decision, I have seen an heard my share of spousal fights...most of them over the addiction of alcohol. It took a lot of courage for my mom to break out on her own and become a single parent with a small kid and her slew of animals - which included a baby horse that needed training - and make a new life for herself. For us.  "It's you and me against the world, we're in this together." She used to say, and that was our motto, one of which I've adopted.

I have a lot of respect for my mom because of this... its not easy having to be completely independent on just yourself but its doable, and she taught me that.  She taught me a lot. When it came to relationships, she told me don't ever be in a relationship where you feel trapped- its not healthy.  Don't settle for anything less than what makes you happy just because you're afraid of being alone.  This again has stuck with me cause it's so true.  I've seen it before, and still am with people close to me.  A close friend of mine has been married to someone for 20 years now, but it's turned into a maelstrom of drinking, lies and drugs.  She is miserable, but is too afraid of finding happiness on her own so she puts on an act and says that everything is ok.  The only times I have seen her truly happy is when I have been working with her and her horses.  She blames herself for things when its superfluous to, and it is like watching the divorce all over again.  Another saying of my mom's is "I can't help you if you can't help yourself first." Which is what I feel right now. I want to help, but its not my place to.  I could suggest things until I was blue in the face, but in the end its not me who has to make the decision.

What I really want to do is walk up to him and full out bitchslap him across the face and ask him what the hell he's doing.  What makes it so necessary to drown himself in alcohol, to hide from everyone to sneak a smoke, to avoid talking to her, to avoid her period.  A relationship should be equal.  Equal parts of respect, communication, support and most of all love. Without any of that you just have two people trapped in their own heads. They say the truth hurts, but I think hiding from the truth hurts more than facing it.

Ironically, the song Love the Way You Lie just came on.

Somebody that I used to know.

Really hooked on that song. 


I think that there is a point in peoples lives when they realize that they have to let go of a bit of baggage in their lives - even if that means said baggage being friends. Or, people that you used to call friends. I won't say any names cause its a bit irrelevant on the internets, and the people who do(?) read this might be like "oh snap!" so whatever.  I've mentioned one before, in my dreams post... well, that still bugs me from time to time that I never got any closure; perhaps out of stupidity in hoping that I'd get a response, I sent a message.  Nothing back, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  If she's dug herself in that far then that's her own fault and she will have to live with that. I'm letting it go, for my own sanitys sake. She will just be somebody that I used to know.


One thing that I have never had patience for was all the drama and bullshit that some people do in order to get attention from one person, or a number of persons. It usually activates my bitch mode and I tell it like it is.  Bluntness is a good and a bad thing I suppose. But, it does squash out the bullshit and shows you who your true friends are.  A prior close friend of mine was subject to said wrath... I was nagged and guilt tripped into hanging out (ex. You never make time for me, and by the time you do make time, I won't be the same person.. blahblah) before I left on my trip so I was like FINE.. and go see them.   What a waste of time that was. I was told upon arrival that they had to be somewhere in an hour - after all that nagging to hang out they had made other plans that day. We had nothing to talk about, the only thing of moderate depth in our conversation was that they said that they would need to find another "me." Meaning, cause that now that I was in a relationship, I had a new confidant, and they felt that they couldn't talk to me as before. Fuck that. You didnt have to cut me off and make me feel like it never happened and that nothing happened at all. So I left in a pretty bad mood. 

I get back, and its like deja vu.  They send a message, I get sidetracked with life outside of the interenet, and don't respond promptly. Then I get a "goodbye."  That's when I snap. I said, and I quote:


"You know, I'm really getting a feeling of deja vu right now.  It's the same thing as before I left - pushing and prodding to hang out or talk, and threatening to just say goodbye and forget it all.  Well, I'm tired of the bullshit.  After all the nagging to hang out before I left for what? A waste of an hour cause you have nothing to talk to me about? Besides saying that you're going to have to find another "me."  Well good luck with that cause I don't know who would want to deal with your attitude. My bad for hanging a life outside of the internet and don't check my messages every time I'm on.  The "goodbye" shows me one: you're being immature and fucking clingy, and two, that you're a bad friend.  You always aid I was the one to break you, so let me break this to you: whining and threatening to break off the friendship on the soul reason that they haven't responded right away makes you a shitty friend. And after last time, seeing you was a wast of time.  So, I'll just do you the favor and drop out of your life."


I don't want to be hung up on somebody that I used to know.


Harsh, maybe.  To the point? Yes.  My point is that if someone is seemingly drifting away from you and getting their shit together, and you're the one whinging about never seeing them and saying that they're neglecting you, stop and take a look at yourself.  Stop being an asshole.  If you are doing said things and expecting other people to just jump to your commands whilst they are maybe trying to get their lives back together, or to start another one with a new partner, and you'r the one getting you nose out of joint you are the bad friend, not them.  Communication goes both ways.  If you want to see someone, contact.  Don't just wait for them to contact you first.  Or, if they don't respond right away, don't get yer knickers in a twist and threaten to just leave and forget it all.  Cause it might just come around and bite you in the ass when they get tired of your shit.


Don't be somebody that they used to know.

Keeping up appearances

That I'm alive? Still actually doing this blog? Sure. I actually hate it when people start off their post, video, whathaveyou with yeah I'm still alive, sorry I haven't posted blah blah blah. Despite commenting on it at this point in time, I will never do that. One because it's a waste of time. Why? Because I actually have a life that doesn't involve thinking about what I should blog about next. I blog when I have something to say.
I am currently abroad.. You could say. It would be awesome to say that im actually in a foreign country on a top secret mission... But alas, I'm not that cool, and it would be too easy to trace me anyway.
Fact is, I'm typing this on my iPod touch ( which is a pain, I might add. So if there's weird spelling things, I'm blaming autocorrect now.) whilst sitting in my hostel in Naples, Italy. One thing that I'm finding is that I almost blend in as a local. Almost. I recently got bored when I was in London (yes, I get around) and dyed my hair a wee bit darker, mostly to even out my roots... But also cause it gave me something to do to try and keep myself awake. Yay for early enough flights that you need to get to the airport at 4 am. ANYWAY... Point, I dyed my hair. That said, most italians are naturally dark haired and dark eyed. What gives me away? My eyes. I've never been able to describe what colour they actually are, cause they seem to change, but they are a mix between blue, green and grey..so, light enough. I've noticed that people will go to talk to me in Italian, make eye contact and sort of pause, and ask English? Well if my backpack with my flag on it didn't give me away, yes.
I went to the grocery store today and the cashier spotted my bag and purposely didn't talk to me, then roughly jabbed the screen once she was done then stared at me. I don't mind being pegged for what I am - a tourist - but just a " ciao " woulda been nice... I know that much Italian. but, I guess that I'm forgetting that customer service isn't as big of a deal in other countries.
I just find it interesting that the locals go to talk to me in a friendly tone, see that I'm not actually a local then act like I'm the biggest pain in their ass. Tourists aren't that bad, are they? heh... I guess you're opinion all depends on whether or not you've worked in retail.

Goodbyes

First, I am going to start this off with a poem.

"After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul;
and you learn that love doesn't always mean
learning and company doesn't always mean security.

and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept defeats
with the grace of an adult
and not the grief of a child.
and you learn to build
all your roads on today because
tomorrows ground is too uncertain
and plans have a way of falling
down in midflight.

after awhile you learn that even
sunshine burns if you ask for
too much.
so plant your on soil
instead of waiting for someone to
bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really
can endure;
that you really are strong
that you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn

with every goodbye you learn."

-Adam Ricker,  Goodbyes.

I have always found truth in this poem, it has always floated in and out of my life;  my mom printed it off after the divorce and it was up on my fridge at the old house for the next 12 years.. kinda like a mantra to keep the both of us going. Goodbyes can be hard, or unexpected, or seen from a mile away and denial has just blinded us until BAM it happens and forces us to deal with it. These types of goodbyes have been sneaking up on me for awhile now, and I have been trying to push them from my mind.

Recently, I said goodbye to my mom's horse - whom taught me how to ride through patience and tough love. My mom felt that it was best if "we" found her a new home because she didn't have the time to ride her.  All bitterness aside she couldnt've gone to a better place and we still keep in touch.  I pushed this event out of my head for as long as I could, as I was sad and annoyed that after 16 years we were just giving her up.  But as this one passed me by, another one is sneaking up.  My dog.  He is now 12 - his breed's life expectancy is 8 years at best so he's doing well on that note, but I don't think that he will live to see the winter.  His hearing radius is down to 3 feet, and sight is probly round there too, and his back end doesn't keep up with the front anymore.  It's horrible to say that its cute and funny when he gets going then just biffs it in all his excitement to see me, but alas... my mind is warped.

Another goodbye is the physical and emotional removal of myself.  I am leaving for Europe soon, and though I have not left yet, I feel like I am already gone, or a lost entity in my friends lives.  I will physically be across the world from them and will have little contact apart from email [as I am attached to my phone and don't want the huge bill from taking it with me] But, who is to say what will happen when I return? After a few months will all be the same, or will they have continued on with their lives and the place that I once was has been filled with other miscellaneous trinkets and dust?

But.. with every goodbye you learn...   you learn that what doesn't break you will make you a stronger, more independant person who can look the world in the eye and say "fuck you" instead of running away screaming. And you learn that the people in your life who truly care will always come back out of the woodwork when you have crashed and burned.

You learn and you learn....

She paints pictures of her dreams but tonight it doesn't include me

Dreams.

Do dreams mean something? Do dreams reflect things that are stuck onto our subconscious? Do they reflect what we do in life and what we think about? I think so.


I recently watched a movie called "Waking Life" which was basically about dreaming and lucid dreams. Very interesting, once you get past the trippy animation that keeps warping throughout the film. The few things that stuck with me from that was, one, that every sensation that you feel in the dream is exactly the same as it would be in real life. Like, when you jump in your dream and your legs reflexively jolt and wake you up. Or when you feel a sharp pain of someone stabbing you only to wake up feeling the same pain. All places and sensations are real to you while dreaming..no matter how skewed the landscape is, the textures, smells, ect are as real as they would be if you were awake, as long as you've experienced said things in reality. Another was that time and space are skewed. Ever hit your snooze button for 10 minutes and fall back into a dream that seems to last forever? One part of the dialogue the woman said she felt like like she was observing your life... from the perspective of an old woman about to die; Like she's looking back on her life. Like her waking life is the old woman's memories. One second in reality is infanitly longer in the dreamworld. There was a study done that once you die, there is still a few minutes of brain power before everything shuts down...so who's to say that that isn't plausible?

Did you know that you can only dream of people that you know? You'll actually only see people who you know, and who you interact with. All the others in your dreams - say you were in a crowd - are just projections and they may have a face, but you'll never be able to recollect them; or, their features won't be distinct. Like in my dreams, if i remember a dream, its always the same people for the majority of it. My friend Tink, my ex Ty, a few other close friends and....V. As I mentoned earlier, I believe that anything that you've thought of that day, or has been on the back of your mind, will show up in your dreams. For me, any dream I vividly remember, I am plagued with her. I won't get into huge backstory, but I have an issue when it comes to not getting closure and will dwell on something until I get it. This is why she is there. The first dream I ever had with her was quite awhile ago now...I had sent her a message wanting to talk and sort things out, but no reply. In the dream she was filming a video of her wedding rehearsal and all of our friends were there and she was going on about how it was going to be perfect cause she had all these super ideas (which were mine) and how glad she was that everyone that mattered was there. I was going along with it, walking around with her and Tink when I realized, I was invisible to everyone. I felt like a ghost that no one knew was there...and in the background a song started playing; Please Read the Letter by Robert Plant. Fitting, no? "please read the letter, I nailed it to your door.. there's nothin' here that's left for you, check with lost and found..." drifted over the hill on the wind, which picked me up and helpless I drifted away on it.

That dream, and the others that followed it still bother me, cause I'm always an invisible bystander, and always wake up in a funk that lasts the whole day. Some times I think she sees me, but then I turn around and there's someone else there, or she's just talking to herself. Its like she's completely blocked me out of her head and life so much that its reflecting into my dreams, and taunting me. I have no interest in being friends again, I just want this..limbo.. to end. I find dreams fascinating, but at the same time, one's subconscious can really be a bitch...

Who I am

As an artist, I am constantly asked what I do, what my style is, and what I intend with my work.  I really want to strive for creative, dynamic, refined work. Not necessarily "photo-realistic" but detailed where needed, and loose where it's appropriate.


 I love painting - using mainly acrylic, but will draw with pretty much anything.


 I am expressive by nature. I'm transparent, but multifaceted, revealing some contrasts and mysterious ways. You can't see all of who I am from any one angle, so, in my quest for relevance, I am trying to expose as much as I can bare to. My goal is to be a tattoo artist.. this stage in my life is fairly new, so I've only been striving for technical ability... just to be good at manipulating paint or ink or whatever, doesn't send any message besides being disciplined and methodical. 


I am ready to see what's inside, what my talents really are... though it leaves me vulnerable to disappointment, both in myself and in everyone else... I am still ready.  I don't think anyone lives completely honest.  We all hide that which we are ashamed of.  Desiring to minimize our faults and maximize our strengths. I'm no different, but I'm willing to see how honest I can be. I'm sure it will take time, since all I know is just that.